This is a script for the pilot of a ‘webisode’ series my friend David
Magidoff and I were going to produce. We got as far as casting before finding
out we had been scooped on the basic concept by VH1’s Acceptable.TV.
The curse words would be bleeped ‘cause it’s funnier that way.


INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

A woman's hand rips open the packaging to a pregnancy test.

EXT. GROUNDS - RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - CONTINUOUS

An older man and woman careen around the grounds in a golf
cart. The man, 75, drives while he drinks JACK DANIELS from
the bottle. This is CODY. The woman, MADISON, 68, opens the
FRIDAY compartment of a PILL-A-DAY case and snorts the COKE
inside.

MADISON
I f**king love you!!

CODY
I'm lonely!!

INT. BATHROOM

We see the pregnancy test. It's positive. The camera pans to
reveal AVRIL, 64, still lovely. She is stunned.

Suddenly she hears a CRASH from outside.

She rushes to the window and sees the golf cart upturned
below her window. Cody and Madison are sprawled out on the
lawn.

EXT. GROUNDS - MOMENTS LATER

Cody is getting handcuffed by a SECURITY GUARD as Avril
rushes outside in her bathrobe. She is still holding the
PREGNANCY TEST.

CODY
Avril...

AVRIL
Cody...

She glances over at Madison, who is stumbling around.

AVRIL (CONT'D)
Madison?

Behind her we see PARKER, 73, handsome in his smoking jacket,
striding towards them.

AVRIL (CONT'D)
Parker!

She quickly stuffs the pregnancy test in her pocket. Parker
rushes towards her.

PARKER
Avril.

He embraces her for a moment before they look back at the
crime scene. Cody glares at Parker. Avril stares at Cody.
Madison glares at Avril while Parker gazes at Madison.

(all delivered at once)

CODY
Parker!

AVRIL
Cody...

MADISON
Avril!

PARKER
Madison.

BEST TITLE SEQUENCE EVER

Complete ripoff from 'O.C.', 'One Tree Hill', 'Dawson's
Creek' etc. POP-PUNK soundtrack. Old people play volleyball,
swim, party. CU on all the major players with their title
cards. At the end, there's an introducing credit for the
character 'KEGGER' who looks like a fun-loving, beer-swilling
geezer.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - NIGHT

A Honda Civic races through the desert.

AT THE WHEEL

BEN GREGORY, 25, looks tired.

BEN (V.O.)
My Grandma, Mildred died a year
ago...

Ben looks at her picture on the dash, and then checks his
watch.

BEN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...today. My Grandpa has a funny
way of celebrating. I've been
trying to drive out and visit every
couple months. I'm an actor--

CUT TO:

"ALF"

A young Ben talks to ALF.

BEN (V.O.)
--but work's been a little slow--

CUT TO:

"ERAGON"

An army of goblins attacks someone. Freeze frame. A red
circle appears around one of the goblins, who is
indistinguishable from the rest.

CUT TO:

HONDA CIVIC

Ben is still driving.

BEN (V.O.)
--so I've got plenty of time on my
hands.
(beat)
And there's this girl.

EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY

The Civic zooms towards the lights of Palm Springs.

EXT. COUNTY JAIL - EARLY MORNING

Cody and Ben walk towards Ben's car.

BEN
They raised bail, you know.

Cody rolls his eyes. They get in the car.

INT. CIVIC

Ben starts the car.

BEN
...Do you have anything to say?

Cody ignores him and turns on the radio.

EXT. POOL - RETIREMENT COMMUNITY - MORNING

Madison struts her stuff in a bikini, daiquiri in hand. Old
people in swimsuits are everywhere. We hear a MAN'S VOICE
shout:

MAN'S VOICE
Cannonballs!

Suddenly Madison is splashed with water. She shrieks and
turns towards the pool.

MADISON
Kegger!

KEGGER, 82, stands waist-deep in the pool. He points at her.

KEGGER
We're getting it on tonight,
Madison. We're getting it on at my
party!

Madison smiles and walks away.

INT. / EXT. POOL BAR

Cody is slouched on a stool, drinking away his hangover. The
waitress, JENNY, 25, beautiful, sets a sign reading "Foam
Party Fridays" on the bar.

JENNY
I hear Ben is in town...

CODY
Yeah... he had to bail me out.

Suddenly Madison appears, and sits down next to Cody.

MADISON
Another night in jail?

CODY
Another dick in your mouth?

He nods towards a man at the end of the bar. It's the
SECURITY GUARD. He snaps and points at them, grinning. Jenny
stifles a laugh. Madison ignores them.

MADISON
Here comes Parker. And Sally No
Tits.

Parker and Avril walk into the bar. Avril and Cody exchange a
significant look.

PARKER
Still drinking, Cody?

CODY
Still a douchebag, Parker?

Parker pushes Cody off the stool. As Cody scrambles to his
feet the ladies try to intervene.

AVRIL
Stop it Cody!

MADISON
Parker!

Cody punches Parker in the jaw and send him sprawling to the
ground. Just then:

BEN
Grandpa!

They all freeze. Cody looks up at Ben, who is running towards
them. Cody drops his head, grabs his drink, and walks off.
Avril helps Parker to his feet. Parker glares at Ben as he
wipes the blood from his lip.

PARKER
F**k you, Hollywood.

Avril gives him a sympathetic look, but Parker drags her
away.

Madison stares at Ben, lustfully. Jenny stares at Ben,
sympathetically. Ben sees them both. He opens his mouth to
say something to Jenny, but nothing seems appropriate.

BEN
Hey.

Jenny nods. Ben glances at Madison, who is still undressing
him with her eyes, and grimaces before chasing after his
grandfather.

EXT. GROUNDS

Ben catches up with Cody, who doesn't stop walking.

BEN
Grandpa, what's going on?

CODY
Just get out of the Springs, Ben.
It's no place for you.

Ben stops walking.

BEN
You didn't kill Grandma!

Cody stops walking. He turns around, with tears in his eyes.

CODY
I didn't save her!

Cody storms off. Ben throws up his hands in frustration and
kicks a pole. He hurts his foot.

INT. PARKER AND AVRIL'S HOUSE - LATER

Parker and Avril are in bed, making out. It's getting hot and
heavy.

AVRIL
Parker, there's something I have to
tell you.

PARKER
I love you too babe.

AVRIL
No, Parker, I'm serious!

PARKER
So am I. About sticking my **** in
your *****.

AVRIL
Just get off me!

Avril pushes him away.

PARKER
What? Babe I--

AVRIL
--Eat me.

She storms off.

PARKER
I was about to!

INT. CODY'S HOUSE

Ben sits at the kitchen table, playing chess.

BEN
Checkmate.

He gets up and walks around to the other side and sits down.
He knocks over the king and sighs.

BEN (CONT'D)
Good game.

He gets up and grabs a coke. When he closes the fridge, he
sees the flyer for Kegger's "BITCHIN'!" party on it's door.

INT. PARKER AND AVRIL'S HOUSE

Avril is standing in front of a mirror. She puts a pillow up
her shirt, making her look pregnant. She looks worried.

EXT. KEGGER'S PLACE

Cody walks out of the party, smoking a cigarette. A GEEZER
LADY with a walker is approaching the party.

CODY
There's no weed.

Cody exits. The woman starts to turn around. Ben appears, and
walks up the front steps towards the door. He is stopped at
the door by Kegger, who is carrying a container of brownies.

KEGGER
Ben, you semi-famous motherf**ker!
Have a brownie!

Ben is a little startled, but accepts it.

BEN
Is my grandfather in there?

KEGGER
I don't know. I just blew myself in
the closet.

Ben is speechless, but he takes a bite of the brownie and
follows Kegger into the party.

EXT. PARKER AND AVRIL'S HOUSE

Avril is sitting on the back of her car on the trunk, smoking
a cigarette. She is illuminated by a street light.

After a moment, Cody approaches.

CODY
Hey.

He sits down next to her.

AVRIL
Hey.

They sit and smoke for a moment.

AVRIL (CONT'D)
How's the party?

CODY
Lame. Kegger's out of weed.

AVRIL
Really?

CODY
He used it all in the brownies.
(beat)
He knows I'm diabetic.

INT. KEGGER'S PLACE

Ben sits on a couch. He appears stoned. All the old people
around him are moving in fast motion. It is just like that
scene in 'Garden State'.

EXT. PARKER AND AVRIL'S HOUSE

Cody is lighting another cigarette.

CODY
Where's Parker?

Avril takes a drag and looks away. Cody can tell they had a
fight.

CODY (CONT'D)
He's a dick, isn't he?

Avril laughs. Cody smiles. Avril looks out into the night.

AVRIL
...I'm pregnant.

Beat.

CODY
Does he know?

She shakes her head. Cody stares at her, and then out into
the night. After a moment he takes both their cigarettes and
flicks them away. She smiles.

EXT. PATIO - KEGGER'S PLACE

Ben stumbles out onto Kegger's patio. He finds Madison
standing by the railing, texting someone on her sidekick. As
soon as she sees him, she flips it shut.

MADISON
Hi.

BEN
Hi.

Madison walks up to him.

MADISON
How are you feeling?

BEN
What?

MADISON
Do you find me attractive?

BEN
Huh?

Madison grabs Ben and kisses him. Lots of tongue.

EXT. PARKER AND AVRIL'S APARTMENT

Cody and Avril are still sitting on the car.

AVRIL
I'm gonna have to leave the
Springs.

Avril looks up at the moon, contemplating this. Cody spits.

CODY
Where do you want to go?

He is offering to go with her. She smiles and rests her head
on his shoulder.

FADE TO BLACK.

MAN'S VOICE
Next time, on "The Springs..."

EXT. KEGGER'S PLACE - NIGHT

Madison and Ben are still kissing. Jenny and a friend walk
down a path. Jenny sees Ben kissing Madison. Ben opens his
eyes and sees Jenny.

BEN
Jenny--!

Jenny runs off.

INT. KEGGER'S PLACE - CONTINUOUS

Kegger and Geezer lady lie in bed. Kegger is motionless.

GEEZER LADY
That was amazing...

Kegger doesn't say anything. She pokes at him.

GEEZER LADY (CONT'D)
Kegger?

THE END

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